Truth: What you say in bed is almost as important as what you do. With a single word or sentence, you can make sex sizzle—or send us into squirm-worthy discomfort from which our libidos won’t recover in the foreseeable future. Here are seven phrases we never, ever want to hear in bed.
1. “Who’s your daddy?” We get that you likely heard this during some particularly sleazy porn scene and it led to the female star writhing in orgasmic pleasure. But this is real life. And asking us that is gross—and immediately makes our real dads pop into our heads, which is basically about as unsexy as it gets.
2. “Shhh.” If we’re moaning and groaning at ear-drum-bursting levels, it’s because what you’re doing feels ah-mazing. You don’t want the compliment? Cool. But don’t take us out of the zone to tell us.
3. “Can you hurry up?” Um, no. No, we cannot. We’ll get there when our bodies are good and ready to get there. And you rushing us toward the finish line won’t make getting there any easier or more enjoyable.
4. “Oh, Amanda!” When our name is Emily. Everyone makes mistakes. And when you accidentally put our dry-clean-only LBD into the washing machine, we promise to forgive you—so long as you don’t make this mid-sex flub.
5. “Am I the biggest guy you’ve ever been with?” If you have to ask…
6. “I can’t feel anything.” We’re sincerely sorry that the condom is dulling each sensation for you. But it’s keeping us STD-free. So it will stay on.
7. “You like that?” Another one ripped from the script all cheesy pornos follow. We like what you’re doing if we’re writhing in pleasure, moaning breathily, or, you know, having an orgasm. What we don’t like is having to pause to answer an otherwise obvious question.